Okay everyone here is the info on the new critique folder. Please read everything below before submitting your work.
There will be no bullying allowed. If anyone is bullied please notify me immediately and I will take care of the issue. Do not engage them
These are critiques/reviews that are meant to help people grow and learn as writers. So that being said you should write what you liked what what you think they could improve upon. I will give examples of what is okay and what is not okay.
I liked that he was nameless - referring to him only as The Templar added additional creepiness - though there was plenty of that! Very dark indeed. Gave me the shivers!
I think in places the descriptions could be a little tighter - for example "His white filmed covered tongue" could have a word removed and be punchier. There's the occasional word which crops up a few times which tends to create a repeated image in my mind as a reader, not that that's a bad thing, but personally I find it bumps me back to former parts of the story rather than flowing through to the end - sorry if that doesn't make sense!
I do like a good short story though which is descriptive rather than dialogue-heavy, and there is definite promise here. This is a good review as well as very encouraging. It tells me exactly what they like and what they think I should do to make it better.
I noticed that Jacob and Miranda say "we are" a number of times when on the shuttle with Shepard. There isn't anything really wrong with this, but it sounds kind of robotic when somebody says "we are" too many times without slipping into "we're". It's noticeable on Jacob (not so much Miranda though; her somewhat robotic casual conversation is the point). Not technically a flaw in the story, just something I noticed.
One thing that really got me was the use of "the older man" to refer to the Illusive Man, I didn't count, but it was definitely more than once. It's a bit stiff to fall back to one descriptor in regards to one person. It makes it seem like there aren't really any other qualities about that person. For instance, Shepard could have taken notice of his crisply-tailored suit, or his cybernetic eyes.
I noticed a couple of spots where there should be added commas to add clarity to the syntax. For example, when Tali introduces Shepard to Prazza, you say "this is Shepard Prazza". I know what you're trying to say, but somebody could misread it as "Shepard Prazza", as in Prazza is Shepard's last name (which obviously isn't the case, because "Shepard" is Shepard's last name).
One last thing... there isn't going to be some weird love triangle between Liara, Shepard, and Miranda, is there? Some of the early dialogue has some slight hints that Shepard may be kind of "in to" Miranda (for lack of a better term). This, coupled with the knowledge that Liara doesn't come back to Shepard in ME2 (the core game, at least) just gives me that odd vibe. I should tell you that I despise love triangles (just a forewarning, nothing against you or your story), and Shepard's later dialogue, in tandem with his early dialogue, makes me think there's going to be sexual tension between himself and Miranda. I don't really care for sexual tension either in fiction. Nine times out of ten it comes off as stilted and awkward. Again, not a criticism at this moment in time, but I won't award you any brownie points if I see it. While this review tells me what they don't like about the chapter and what I should fix, it tells me nothing about what they liked which DOES NOT encourage me as a writer to continue. We want to encourage and enlighten people, not bog them down with what we find horrible about the piece.
...this story must continue o3o I love it and I want them to meet his sister While this is sweet and encouraging, it tells me nothing about what they liked exactly and what they think I should fix.
I like Alistair and Alim's family relationship here, and how Alim is opening his "family" to include Iola.
Your writing for the most part is good. I would do a re-read for word choices and general editing (e.g. watch out for peaking v. peeking-spell check won't pick that up, and you definitely meant one but used the other at least once). You do tend to write in very long sentences. I recommend reading what you write out loud; it can be embarrassing (I close my door haha!), but it really forces you to (1) hear how well your writing is flowing, and (2) hear where run-ons happen or where punctuation or a new sentence is needed. Watch your punctuation especially.
Also, think about whether you are over-writing or not. Something can be part of someone's characterization but not need to be written to be conveyed-for example, Iola's question about Alistair/Alim's "intentions" with her alone is sufficient to convey her past without the follow-up of why she asked that question. It's an odd question and "intentions," for whatever reason, is an odd enough word to convey to me that she has reason to suspect intentions.
One nitpick-both Alistair and Alim notice Iola's tattoos on her back and both compare them to Zevran's. Given Alim and Zevran's relationship, I'd expect that he would notice and draw the comparison. From Alistair...it's a little startling, haha! Alim I can see, but why would Alistair think of Zevran immediately just because Zevran also has tattoos? It's just a little too suggestive of an intimate relationship-unless that's what you meant to convey, in which case, don't mind me! This is another good review. The reviewer not only tells me what they liked and what I should fix, they also told me what they do to help themselves. That is something that can help anyone. Makes me (and possibly others) that I am not the only one that has certain issues with their writing.
So those are some examples of reviews that I have gotten from many of my different fanfics. I hope those help you when it comes to reviewing/critiquing. I hope that everyone helps and learns from each other.Rules about submission into the critique folder
Only one piece of work submitted a week.
When you are ready for your work to be moved to another folder please let me know and I will move it. There is no time limit, but it would make sense if you put in one chapter to remove it before you add another one.
If you add a piece a work, please review/critique another in the folder. Please don't just 'dump' and run. If we all work together we can all learn some amazing things!
I just want everyone to have fun and learn. Please remember to let me know if there are any problems.
Your humble founder